"Recently I had X in my training"

Recently I had X in one of my training sessions. A nice young man, somewhat shy. Rather endearing, let's say. During a one on one chat he told me he wanted to start giving his team compliments a bit more often. He had never done this before. He closed our conversation with, "Thanks for everything, I've really learned a lot these past days. And uh.. Well.. Uhh.." I looked at him questioningly. "Well uhh, I can tell you used to be very good looking." There. It was out. He was visibly relieved and very pleased with how his first compliment ever had gone.

Giving compliments is important. It's motivating, it promotes a positive mood and work environment, it strengthens relationships, and it boosts self confidence. In a training this item always comes up. "Yeah but Sandra, what am I supposed to give a compliment about then?" "Someone is just doing their job and they get paid for it." How often have I heard this! But everyone wants to be heard and seen; in fact, it's a basic need.

First of all, a compliment does of course have to be meant and sincere. Even the most insensitive dodo has an excellent antenna for this. Tough men who pride themselves on "not being into feelings" but meanwhile do get a twinkle in their eyes when they hear they've done something well.

And a compliment that is also specific, with that you really hit a home run. Because "Well done, mate" is of course nice to hear, but a "How thoughtful of you to help me clean up my mess" is next level. The chance that this person will get you out of a jam again afterwards is considerably greater than if you say nothing about it.

Giving compliments may feel awkward, but practice makes perfect. Honestly, I had to learn it too. But by now, in a training, I can give all participants a meant and specific compliment before the lunch break on day 1. How? By making good use of my ears and eyes. Looking. Listening. Asking questions. Something to do with communication, let's say.

Back to X and his first compliment ever. In my head? Complete error. Huh? What do you mean, used to be? And what makes you think this is a compliment for someone slogging through menopause as if it were an obstacle run? A solid right hook, that's what you've earned right now. But I thanked him, kindly of course. A touch of empathy and sensitivity wouldn't have hurt, though. It's not in the book "Giving Compliments for Dummies," but it saves a lot of lasting injury. On both sides. X was lucky I was having a good day…